


Capable of Pursueing

by AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Doomed Infatuation, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Implication of No Future Relationship, M/M, Pining, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-01 22:44:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13304910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted/pseuds/AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted
Summary: Ash thinks about the possibility of a relationship with Lorca.





	Capable of Pursueing

I looked at him and I could feel my heart speed up. I felt my hands tense up and my neck is so stiff that I can’t move my head. Which is fine, because it was a slow tactical day and I didn’t really see any reason to move. I didn’t want to go anywhere near the brig - near L’Rell. I knew that as security chief, the brig was under my jurisdiction, but I also knew that the last thing I wanted was to be there. Joke wass on him for putting me in that position in the first place. 

I sighed and brought a hand up to rub my neck, letting my trigger-calloused fingers dig into the knotted muscles. The bridge was buzzing with the sound of computers and the kind of quiet chatting that only happened when First Officer Saru was in command of the bridge and Lorca was getting his eyes checked out by Doctor Culber or getting some sleep, or, usually, revising battle strategies and intelligence in his ready room. 

Michael raised an eyebrow at me from the science station, the question was clear in her eyes and in the set of her jaw,  _ Are you okay? _ . It was a question I was getting all too often, from Doctor Culber and Sylvia and Michael and Saru and even from Lieutenant Stamets. The only person who didn’t ask me that question was him.

He looked at me and every time I could hear the words he told me one night when we had coffee in his quarters the first time, “You’re hurting, Tyler. I’m hurting too. Hurt doesn’t define you, so I’m not going to bring it up again. That’s not to say that you can’t come to me to talk, but I’m not going to ask you to.” and they didn’t. They had coffee and they had drinks but they didn’t talk about L’Rell or The Buran, or the Ship of the dead. They didn’t talk about anything hard. 

I liked that about him. Of course - that wasn’t the only reason I liked him. I hated myself for it - but I loved the way his eyes looked, that stunning blue - just beginning to cloud over with the effects of his blindness - they were beautiful, I couldn’t deny that, but I wished he could see more. I loved the wry curl of his lips and the lines that appeared around his eyes and on his cheeks.

I loved the way he crossed his legs and leaned back into his chair on the bridge. I loved the way he carried himself, so carefree, the way it contrasted with the intense glint in his blinding eyes and the tension evident in his shoulders and his arms. I loved the way he crossed his arms and I loved the way his gaze flicked down to my lips. 

I knew what that gaze meant, but I also knew that it didn’t mean anything at all. I knew that when he placed a supportive hand on my forearm - or on my knee - that it meant everything that I wanted it to mean, but I also knew it was pointless. I knew that I would probably never be comfortable with that kind of relationship again - that he was too professional to think of me that way beyond a sordid fantasy - that he was still in love with Admiral Cornwell, even if their relationship hadn’t worked in a very long time -

that I would never be capable of pursuing a relationship with Lorca.

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely can't wait for to-night's episode!!


End file.
